The Big Island Revealed Bible

Once arriving at Volcanoes National Park – Kilauea, we knew our trip would be a downer since a majority of the park was closed due to high gases – go figure.  The trip only improved once we left the visitors center and we hit our first stop – the overlook of the Kilauea Caldera at Jaggar Museum.   This was a great overlook and was only improved by the Roberts Hawaii Tour Bus that arrived at the same time as us.  Despite our best efforts to rush out of the car and beat the onslaught of the arriving Roberts Hawaii Tour Bus we weren’t able to get our pictures and tour the museum before the Roberts Hawaii Tour Bus joined our small group.  We quickly understood that the tour bus was from the cruise ship that arrived at the Kona dock the night before.  We also quickly understood that we wanted nothing to do with these people as they smelled worse than the volcanoes’ gases and also walked slower than the creation of the entire island.  Despite our best efforts we arrived at several other stops at the exact same time as these wonderful travelers. One of these travelers even managed to speed in front of Ash and toss her gum in front of his path – she looked like a English troll mixed with a hobbit – is that how every British woman in her late 70s looks?  We did, however, manage to find our own stop without the Roberts Hawaii Tour Bus.  We visited the steam vents, which was definitely a highlight.  This was fun, not because the tour bus didn’t join us, but because the steam vents were really interesting.  Charring the vegetation around the vent, they offered a glimpse into what lies beneath.  Just a traveler’s tip in case you visit…maintenance on the path to the steam vents is quite sparse. Ash’s wife tripped on the gravel road (I’m sure it had nothing to do with her long twinkle toes) and let everyone around us know the clear lack of maintenance was to be blamed.

Kilauea Caldera

Roberts Hawaii Tour Bus

Next stop: Thurston Lava Tube.

The Thurston Lava Tube was created when magma rushed from the top of the volcano’s flow to the ocean.  As the lava cools it hardens around the flowing magma – and the flowing magma flows to the sea.  Overtime, the magma runs out and leaves a tube like tunnel.  We were lucky to arrive at the lava tube two minutes after our cruise line friends.  If you’ve ever wanted to walk at the pace of an 80 year old down wet steps through a dark, wet, smelly tube then this was just the time and place.  We walked through the lava tube and wondered if we could walk any slower?  Partly to blame were the large puddles in the tube that were splashing on a few 80 year-old ankles wearing sandals…it did get a little dicey. It’s a shame to focus on the people around you but when that’s all you can see and hear it becomes impossible to ignore.

Thurston Lava Tube

After the lava tube we had a tough decision to make.  Since the park was closed we had to ask each other whether or not we wanted to drive around the park and see lava flow outside the park – another 2 hours or drive for 45 minutes and see the steam of the lava flowing into the ocean from inside the park.  Since we all were tired of driving we decided to stay inside the park and drive to the ocean and see the steam of where the flowing lava was hitting the ocean – we drove down the winding road through lava fields and got to the end of the road.  It was easy to call it the end of the road – because there was literally no road left to travel.  The lava flowed over the road in the 1990s and closed the road with a 15-20 foot wall of lava.  We parked the car and walked down the shoreline to a vantage point where we could see the steam from the ocean.  Even from a mile away it was amazing to see Mother Nature creating new land before our eyes.  We tromped around the black rock; really an amazing site to see! Back to the car and off to lunch.

Road Closed Due To Magma

We all enjoyed a wonderful lunch at Kiawe Kitchen near the volcano. This restaurant was located in Volcano, HI.  It was attached to a Hawaiian-style quickie mart, but much classier than your average Carls Jr. We all had pizza (which was quite tasty) and enjoyed the rest after a long tour of the park.

Next Stop: Volcano Country Club.

I don’t know why I expected the course to be better than it was; maybe because they called it a country club?  Nevertheless, the course wasn’t better than any municipal we’d ever seen.  It was a perfect dive for the locals who live around the volcano as the course was literally right next to the caldera we looked at earlier in the day.  Despite the run-down nature of the facility I bought a hat, as I knew I would never run into another ‘main-islander’ with a Volcano Golf hat on.

Next Stop: Punalu’u Black Sand Beach.

The next stop for our group was the Punalu’u Black Sand Beach.  We spotted the black sand beach in the Big Island Revealed Book (bible) and all agreed it was a must see.  As we headed from Volcano Country Club to the Black Sand Beach, we got stuck behind another Roberts Hawaii Tour Bus on a two lane road – we knew our friends in the tour bus would be heading to the exact same location.  And they did.  When the tour bus took a left before our exit; we all got a little excited (phew, the bus is gone).  Little did we know it would arrive from the other entrance at the exact same time as us. We rushed out of the car and got to the beach before the bus unloaded. We snapped a couple of pictures and headed back to the car. As we headed back to the car we were greeted by something none of us expected – we must’ve hit the jackpot when we ran into the folks in the convertible mustang.  They asked our group “Do ya knaw wher da black sand beach is?” It’s not as if the black sand beach was a far distance from the parking lot – it’s not as if there isn’t any signs that say “BLACK SAND BEACH” and it’s not as if the black sand beach isn’t the most obvious thing on the island. This would be like standing in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and asking where the Eiffel Tower is.  Nevertheless, Ash politely pointed to these toothless southerners the direction of the beach (the direction they were already facing).  We all agreed their kids pitched in together to send the folks to Hawaii from Arkansas for a 50th wedding anniversary – or Marlboro paid for a trip to the island with their 1,000 carton purchase – or the owner of the trailer park paid for their trip to keep them from suing him when the double wide rolled down the hill.  Regardless how they got there, it was a true test for our group not to yell, “where’s the hidden camera”!?!  So from now on when you hear, “Do ya knaw wher’ da black sand beach is?” you’ll know what it means.

Punaluu Black Sand Beach

Next Stop: Greenwell Coffee Plantation.

We all agreed we had to hit a coffee plantation while we were on the island.  We all also agreed that we had been in the car way too long on the trip to the volcano.  We also agreed that we didn’t want to drive back towards the volcano again that trip so we hit The Greenwell Coffee Plantation as we drove back to the condo.  We went to this place because the book (Big Island Revealed) ranked it in the top three and because we all remembered where it was.  We pulled in at 4:30 pm and the last plantation tour went out at 4:00 pm.  Therefore, we bought our coffee and hit the road.  I have to say this was some of the best coffee I’ve ever had and plan on ordering some over the Internet.

Greenwell Farms Coffee

We capped the day off at the condo; not before we walked to the ocean at the peak of the golf course where we wanted to see where the path took us.  We were slightly disappointed as all we saw was a bunch of locals fishing and we headed back to the condo for a few beers before heading out for an amazing sushi dinner.

We all agreed that we enjoyed the drive but would pass on touring the volcano next time.

End of the Road - Good Bye

I had an interesting situation occur while I was traveling back home.  I was on the plane on Saturday night, just after my layover at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas.  I had just boarded as I am always top 25 on Southwest Airlines (A-List BABY!) so I get priority seating and I was doing my usual ritual.  I typically choose the aisle seat in one of the first few rows of the plane so I can get off quickly when we land.  Being that I am probably the most impatient and most claustrophobic person on the plane, it’s best if I am off ASAP.  If not, I’m liable to hurt someone, or say something totally inappropriate.  The other part of my ritual is that I try not to make any eye contact with the people walking past me.  Now, don’t think I’m not scoping out the people whilst they’re walking by.  Oh yes, I’m profiling baby.  I’m hand picking the person that is going to be lucky enough to sit next to me the whole flight and typically once I choose that person, I’ll make eye contact.  Then, usually, they’ll look at me like I’m oozing gross and walk right past me.

On this particular flight, I happen to see a pretty good looking woman walk through the door.  Now, she was definitely striking, but I could tell she was about 2 inches from her cougar years.  Still, for a pre-coog, she was way hot.  So as she walks through the door, I thought to myself, the hot chicks never sit next to me.  I always end up with some guido in a track suit (Credit goes to Jersey Jen, From Michigan), yelling at his wife, spilling over into my seat, forcing me to lean into the aisle.  I’m always having back pain after flights – maybe because it’s the fact that guido is forcing me to sit sideways on the plane.  Maybe…or maybe it’s because I’m so far in the aisle that I end up getting smashed in the back by everyone and their mother as they walk up and down the aisle to the restroom.  They should remove those.  I’m rambling.

So, this pre-coog.  She walks right up to my aisle and says, “Is that seat taken?”  I was out of my seat before she could finish her sentence and grabbed her suitcase and started stuffing it into the overhead.  She said, “What a nice guy!  Thanks”.  Then I sat down, said my ‘Cool Guy’ (as The Wife calls it) “You Bet”, and proceeded to start reading my book.  Yeah boys, I turned ignore on full blast!  As I was reading I looked down because I noticed she was opening her book, being the totally nosy person that I am.  As I was looking at her book, I noticed out of the lower left corner of my eye that her left hand was loosely holding the book – and then I heard the sound of gears turning and her thumb mechanically clamped down on the book.

You guessed it, she had a prosthetic hand.  So, as your typical guy would do, I started panicking that my chivalrous act of grabbing her luggage may have been misconstrued as a leap to help the poor girl with the prosthetic arm.  Because it’s all about me, I stressed about it for about 2 minutes (which is pretty long for me to stress about offending someone) and then delved into my book.  About halfway through the flight, I overheard the woman in the window seat asking her about her arm.  I just had to force my way into the conversation.  There was no way I wasn’t going to stay out of this one.  I have always wondered how those prosthetic work.  As she was explaining the mechanics behind it, I saw an opportunity to explain that my chivalrous act was in reality a chivalrous act and not some sort of pity thing for the girl with the prosthetic arm.  She said she thought I was just being a gentleman.

At one point, the conversation turned to me.  We started talking about the book I was reading and I explained that it was actually the Bible and that I was reading it because I hadn’t ever read it cover to cover before.  I explained that The Wife and I are doing this scheduled Bible In A Year reading where there are a certain number of pages you read every day.  I also explained that I was reading it on the flight because I was about 3 weeks behind on my reading and that I wanted to capitalize on the long flight to catch up.  I’m only 2 weeks behind now, by the way.

One thing led to another and we found ourselves in a discussion about theology and I began to explain that religion is a good foundation in life, but it is important to be active in life and make things happen to yourself.  I explained that I didn’t think that it was good to sit around and wait for things to happen to you.  Then I went on to explain that bad things happen to everyone and that it was a fact of life.  I tend to like to use a lot of words to drive my points home (surprise), so I went forth with what I thought was a pretty groundbreaking statement, since we were coming from Vegas:

“Sometimes, you just have to deal with the hand you’re dealt.”

I’m an absolute Geniou…idiot.  There was a long pause. I thought she was going to open the emergency exit and toss me out.  Then she said, “Or in my case, the hand you WEREN’T dealt!”  Then she laughed really hard.  Now we’re friends on FaceBook.

While we were attending FPC last month, we read in their little program they hand out that they were sponsoring a 10 evening event they labeled “10 International Dates”.  Of course, this grabbed both of our attention because we are oh so worldly, even though the farthest we have traveled is Cabo San Lucas, of which I hardly consider “worldly” because its so Americanized!  Should that be capitalized?  Anyway ironically, we both read this and said, “Lets do this!”  However, after re-reading the description, we both realized it was INTENTIONAL dates, not INTERNATIONAL.  Woops.  Which is funny, actually, because I wouldn’t have thought Spokane to be this mecca of international cuisine.

We decided to do this thing – 10 evenings in all, every other week.  It’s INTENTIONAL because you are making a point to do this.  We’re making it INTERNATIONAL because we figured it’d be fun.  You go to the church for 20 minutes and this guy speaks – who is totally hilarious by the way – he’s sarcastic and you can tell he has a somewhat sick sense of humor.  He jokes about his wife a lot, which I always appreciate.  Anyway, then he dismisses you and you have to go on your date and read a chapter in this book they give you, then in the back, there is a 2 page worksheet you fill out based on the topic of the chapter.  It’s all real interesting…delving into one’s marital life.  I think its pretty interesting, especially since we’ve only been married for a year and a half and I feel like we’re already “working” on our marriage.  Actually, I am quite enjoying it.

All that was back story to give you a great story about what transpired last night.  So, we’ve just left the church and The Wife is driving downtown, trying to find a parking spot.  We were just getting along delightfully when all of a sudden, someone let out the monster.  Tension started building for some reason and by the time we got to the restaurant “360″ and thought we’d look at the menu, we were about to strangle each other.  While I’m engulfed in this menu reading, I see that they have the Monte Cristo Sandwich – OH YEAH BABY!  So I head for the door only to be pulled abruptly by the love of my life who proceeds to start yelling at me about how I’m not very attentive because I didn’t see the sign on the door that say enter through the Hotel Luzzo Lobby and as she drags me down the street, she gives me some lecture about how I am missing out on life because I don’t notice things.  She should be a CIA Agent – she notices EVERYTHING!

As we’re entering the hotel, we’re now softly screaming at each other so no one notices we’re at each other’s throats.  We walk down the corridor to the restaurant and she says, “Stop, lets talk about this”.  The gorilla in me brushes past her and walks right up the the hostess and answers “2 please” to her question.  Of course, I’m thinking “two tables please?”.  So we sit down and start thumbing through the menus and somehow sweep our little battle under the rug and I notice something on the menu – no Monte Cristo.  “Frerking (big ups to The Greatest Vet of All Time, Dr. Thad Frerking) dangit, now I just want to eat McDonalds.”  After ordering 2 burgers and Clam Chowder Soup (which was outstanding!), we decide to open our 10 Great Dates book and do our homework.

What’s the topic tonight? Conflict Resolution.  Frerking Perfect.

10 Great Dates to keep her from kicking you to the curb and dating that professional basketball player