I’d first like to start by apologizing.  I know this is delayed – I didn’t realize that those of you readers out there need Home Sweet Homme to get through the week.  I did get all of your responses, however, so this one’s to you!  Now, this was actually written a few days ago, but I’ve been told that it is a bit controversial, so I apologize in advance to those of you offended by this post – namely Mamma J and The Big Guy.  Enjoy!

In Late October, The Wife accepted a position in Spokane, Washington.  At the time, we had been living in Las Vegas, Nevada – not to be confused with Las Vegas, New Mexico (home of the dirtiest toilets in the world!).  In a whirlwind move, The Wife gave her notice at her position in Las Vegas and moved in with her aunt and uncle in Spokane.  I felt bad for them.  She was there for 3 weeks and trashed the place.  We still get invited over for Wednesday Soup Nights, but I don’t know why.  She had her stuff everywhere.  When we arrived, it was four boxes and two tubs.  When she moved out, it took 4 trips to move everything over to the house.  Another time, we took The gUrt over for dinner for Wednesday Soup Night right around Christmas.  Within three minutes, he managed to eat half their toys into chunks and started grabbing toys off the Christmas Tree.  It was like a pirate who just stormed a ship – pillaging everything in site.  Man, I felt so bad that we proceeded to bring him two more nights.  The third Wednesday Soup Night at their house, he was so annoying that he is no longer invited.  That’s so embarrassing.  I uninvited him, but that’s because I could see it coming down the pipe anyway.  “Hey, Ash, ssssoooo…Hogan’s real nice and all, but…why don’t you plan on…leav…” – thanks, but I’ll cut you off at the pass! By the way, I think The Big Guy and Mamma J (my Father-In-Law and Mother-In-Law) are a little jealous of Wednesday Soup Nights.  They used to live in Spokane years ago and came up with the concept.  Then The Wife decided we’d do it with aunt and uncle.  So I thought I’d do some Wednesday Soup Nights T-Shirts.  I think I’d use a Cup-O-Noodles cup on the back and then say Wednesday Soup Nights on the front left or right chest.  Then I’ll put above the Cup-O-Noodles this: “What’s my weakness?  SOUP!” Yeah, that’d be so sweet.  I’m rambling.

So – Whirlwind Move – yes, The Wife was in Spokane in 3 weeks.   I stayed behind in Las Vegas and packed the house.  It was crazy – I packed the entire house in 1 week.  The movers came on a Thursday and packed everything up (remind me to tell that story – WOAH) , then I drove to the Northwest, my new home.  Now, this whole move was two weeks earlier than I had hoped for.  My plan was to send the movers off on a Tuesday and then drive up to San Francisco from Las Vegas, stay there for a day, drive up the coast from San Francisco to Tillamook and stay there for a couple days and let The gUrt play on the beach.  Then I’d leave, drive to Seattle, hang out with ServiceSucksNick (my Cousin-In-Law) for a day, then head over these crazy mountains to Spokane.  That’s right, drive some really high mountains in December between Seattle & Spokane.  Yes, I was going to do all of that – and all the while, leave The Wife to receive the movers in Spokane.  What a guy huh?  Well, I was quickly brought back to reality and we pushed the date forward 2 weeks to beat this HUGE snowstorm that Spokane could get.  Mind you, when I agreed to move to Spokane, I said I would do it on one condition – that I could get a snowmobile.  Correct that, two conditions.  That I could get TWO snowmobiles.  The Wife made fun of me, but I suggested that snowmobiles were needed in Spokane to get around in the winter.  She quickly corrected me and told me that Spokane barely get’s much snow in the winter.   So here she is saying one minute that Spokane doesn’t get much snow, but then that we needed to be up there two weeks earlier to beat the snow?  What gives?  I think she was just jealous of the “Ash and Hogan Road Show” and that she wasn’t going to be able to attend.  That’s what I think.  So we did it her way and moved up 2 weeks early.

We moved in and we were comfortable in our new digs.  She was right, the weather was really nice.  For 6 Days.  That’s right folks – 6 days.  Spokane proceeded to receive 61 inches of snow.  FIVE FEET of snow.  And here I am, Mr. Las Vegas, and I’m out side every hour shoveling snow.  To the point that I had 8 feet of snow on either side of the three car driveway and broke my back trying to lift it over the hump to remove it.  The first couple of weeks, I was meticulous with my shoveling.  I would shovel to the edge, then I would cut the edge and shovel snow away so there was a clean sliced edge along each side of the driveway.  All the neighbors probably thought, “Look at this A-Hole, he’s spending way to much time shoveling.  Most people would just shovel to the sides and then toss it on the edges in this half-assed manner.  Some would even leave one bay of their driveway un-shoveled and even stack some of the snow on it.  I thought that was “real smart.”  I laugh at them now because they have these driveways that have 8 feet of hard packed snow in them.  Some people, the one’s with the extra car they don’t drive, didn’t shovel them out.  Now those cars won’t go anywhere until next August!  HAH!  Not the Ash & Hogan Show – no way, our driveway is perfectly groomed!

I spent the better part of December and the beginning of January in pain.  It was a good pain, but I thought my back was broken.  So, we decided to break down and get a snow-blower – or snow-thrower for the fanatic readers!  I’ll tell you that whole debacle another time, but I managed to buy one online and have it delivered.  It took 2 weeks.  I shoveled that whole time just waiting for the day that the snow-blower would arrive.  I couldn’t wait!  I wanted to go out and buy gas and oil and all the fixings, but I didn’t know what I’d need, so I just waited.  About 2 days before the snow-blower arrived (January 8), it stopped snowing.  They delivered it, I went out and bought the gas can, filled it up, bought the oil, then I came home and fired that bad boy up!  OH YEAH – it’s a beast.  It will tear through a snowstorm like a hot knife through butter.  Just beautiful!

I can’t Frerking (big ups to The Greatest Vet of All Time, Dr. Thad Frerking) believe it.  After all of that, it hasn’t snowed since the snow-blower arrived.

My friend Mike doesn’t think I really work.  When we first met, I jokingly answered his “what do you do for a living” with my typical cynical response to the question, “I’m a SAHDiNK” – that’s pronounced SAH – DINK.  Then the next typical question is, “What?”.  Then I explain the acronym is for Stay At Home Dad, No Kids.  I came up with that saying to make fun of the acronym DINK.  Babs (My mom) called me that one day to make fun of me and The Wife.  So my response was, “What if I quit my job?  Then I’d be a SAHDiNK!”  She gave me the evil eye and I quickly dropped it.  Babs is a single liberal woman.  You don’t want to make any comments that suggest you’re being rude to a lady.  “You treat a lady with RESPECT!” Maybe that’s why she made me take Cotillion when I was a young chap? I’m rambling.

Anyway, so the first time he and I met, we had this conversation.  He thought my response was funny.  I think.  I can’t really tell sometimes with Mike because he has this blank start response and you don’t know if he’s going to burst out laughing or put you in a choke-hold.  So fast forward to a few months later.  We’re at a nice Las Vegas restaurant, Carluccios Tivoli Gardens (I highly recommend – right next to the Liberace Museum), sitting in the atrium, eating the bread that was just delivered, when Mike looks straight at me and says, “What do you think of Drew Carey replacing Bob Barker on the Price Is Right?” He doesn’t even crack a smile.  He just said straight to me like he’d been pondering his feelings on this whole CBS decision to replace Bob Barker with Drew Carey.  I thought to myself, “How should I Frerking (big ups to The Greatest Vet of All Time, Dr. Thad Frerking) know?”  I mean, really, when did I become an expert on the Price Is Right? Then, in his Mike way, he looks straight at me again and with a delivery only Mike can pull off, he says, “That’s what you do all day, right?  Just watch TV?”  Defeated as can be, I watched as The Wife and Jen laughed their butts off at my expense.

I work.  I know no one thinks I do.  Donnie Boom Boom (my Dad) definitely doesn’t think I work. He told my sister that.  But I do work!  In fact, just yesterday, I had a local Spokane company ask me to talk to them about the Web Business.  I put on my best Seven Jeans, my Express blue and white striped shirt and my Wood Grain Aldo shoes with matching belt  – Yes Boys – You MUST match your belt with your shoes – we’ll have a fashion discussion later.  And the Pièce de résistance – my brand new Ted Baker Chesterfield Coat.  See, a long time ago, a colleague of mine looked at my bad outfit at work one day and said, “Ash, don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have.  And, I’m not necessarily talking about your clothes.”   It was obviously about selling your self.  So, I learned that if you want to impress someone in business, you have to own the meeting.

Now, that mentality can get you into trouble, but it works a majority of the time.  Especially in my industry where it is a lot of introverted people who don’t interact well in meeting situations.  So I bring to the table the opposite.  I own the meeting.  So, I’m meeting with these two guys yesterday and I have this thought as one of them is speaking.

I wonder…Here I am, a business owner- it says CEO on my business card.  I’m an expert in my industry.  THE GUY that they want to be talking to.  They must think I’m a powerhouse.  A bad a$$ business man – all knowing.  They must think “I’ll bet he eats people for breakfast all day long.”

So, later last night, I’m driving with The Wife and I confess this thought to her.  She laughed at me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Oh Ash, you are a funny man!”  I think she was mocking me.  So then I told her that I had a thought after that thought.

What they don’t know is that I actually eat Lucky Charms for breakfast.  Then I usually change out of my PJ’s at about 11:30, make the bed and then shower.

This one’s a quickie.  I just received an email from The Wife.  She said she had a question and to call her when I had a free minute.  That means “why isn’t your phone with you”.  So, I ran into the bedroom, then the closet to the pants I was wearing yesterday because I realized I didn’t even take it out of my pocket to charge it.  Not firing on all cylinders today, I guess.

As I was passing the bed, I noticed this out of the corner of my eye:

Yes, that's a Vizsla Butt

Which leads me to this question: Is Spokane too cold for a Vizsla?

When we moved to Spokane, we knew a few people from The Wife’s old high school days and some of her family.  Not ever living here, I’m comfortable saying I don’t have any friends here other than the people I’ve met through The Wife.  So, to help us engage in some networking, we’re open to attending some events that we might not have considered before.  In our World Wide Church Tour of Spokane, we came across three churches that we wanted to try and we can’t decide between First Presbyterian Church of Spokane (FPC) and Hamblen Park Presbyterian Church.  So, what does one do in this conundrum?  We attend both – is that like double dating?  Remind me to tell you about the “Three Sarahs Incident” in college.  I’m rambling.

While we were attending FPC last month, we read in their little program they hand out that they were sponsoring a 10 evening event they labeled “10 International Dates”.  Of course, this grabbed both of our attention because we are oh so worldly, even though the farthest we have traveled is Cabo San Lucas, of which I hardly consider “worldly” because its so Americanized!  Should that be capitalized?  Anyway ironically, we both read this and said, “Lets do this!”  However, after re-reading the description, we both realized it was INTENTIONAL dates, not INTERNATIONAL.  Woops.  Which is funny, actually, because I wouldn’t have thought Spokane to be this mecca of international cuisine.

We decided to do this thing – 10 evenings in all, every other week.  It’s INTENTIONAL because you are making a point to do this.  We’re making it INTERNATIONAL because we figured it’d be fun.  You go to the church for 20 minutes and this guy speaks – who is totally hilarious by the way – he’s sarcastic and you can tell he has a somewhat sick sense of humor.  He jokes about his wife a lot, which I always appreciate.  Anyway, then he dismisses you and you have to go on your date and read a chapter in this book they give you, then in the back, there is a 2 page worksheet you fill out based on the topic of the chapter.  It’s all real interesting…delving into one’s marital life.  I think its pretty interesting, especially since we’ve only been married for a year and a half and I feel like we’re already “working” on our marriage.  Actually, I am quite enjoying it.

All that was back story to give you a great story about what transpired last night.  So, we’ve just left the church and The Wife is driving downtown, trying to find a parking spot.  We were just getting along delightfully when all of a sudden, someone let out the monster.  Tension started building for some reason and by the time we got to the restaurant “360″ and thought we’d look at the menu, we were about to strangle each other.  While I’m engulfed in this menu reading, I see that they have the Monte Cristo Sandwich – OH YEAH BABY!  So I head for the door only to be pulled abruptly by the love of my life who proceeds to start yelling at me about how I’m not very attentive because I didn’t see the sign on the door that say enter through the Hotel Luzzo Lobby and as she drags me down the street, she gives me some lecture about how I am missing out on life because I don’t notice things.  She should be a CIA Agent – she notices EVERYTHING!

As we’re entering the hotel, we’re now softly screaming at each other so no one notices we’re at each other’s throats.  We walk down the corridor to the restaurant and she says, “Stop, lets talk about this”.  The gorilla in me brushes past her and walks right up the the hostess and answers “2 please” to her question.  Of course, I’m thinking “two tables please?”.  So we sit down and start thumbing through the menus and somehow sweep our little battle under the rug and I notice something on the menu – no Monte Cristo.  “Frerking (big ups to The Greatest Vet of All Time, Dr. Thad Frerking) dangit, now I just want to eat McDonalds.”  After ordering 2 burgers and Clam Chowder Soup (which was outstanding!), we decide to open our 10 Great Dates book and do our homework.

What’s the topic tonight? Conflict Resolution.  Frerking Perfect.

10 Great Dates to keep her from kicking you to the curb and dating that professional basketball player

We’ve got the most finicky dog.  When he was a young puppy, The Big Guy (my Father-In-Law) told us that he had been feeding the puppies Nutro-Max puppy food because it was high in protein or fat or nutrition or something you want puppies to have.  He’d know because he’s The Big Guy and knows everything.  That’s why he’s writing a book called “Things I believe to be true but aren’t”.  Ok, so that’s not the title but it has something to do with the fact that he says things he believes are true, knowing full well that they “might” not be.  Anyway, so he puts the puppies on this Nutro-Max and at 7 weeks old, low and behold – Hogan wouldn’t touch it.  We took him to the Vet in Las Vegas – My Wife calls the guy Thaddeus Drumm because it’s written on his diploma.  Oh yeah, why don’t you just leave off Frerking (last name) there because so many Doctors like to be called by their first and middle name, not Dr. Last Name.  I’m rambling.

So, Thaddeus Drumm suggests that we serve him a nice helping of Science Diet.  That works out because he loved it!  Except for the fact that the first time we get Hogan together with his brother Vinnie, Vinnie outweighs him by about 50 pounds.  So The Big Guy suggests that we start feeding him this wet food on top of the Science Diet.

That’s all really boring back-story to get you up to the point when I went to buy all this freakin’ food for the little guy.  So, I headed over to the local Spokane PetCo and pick up a nice bag of Science Diet and then I hopped over to the wet food isle and look for the food that The Big Guy had been feeding Vinnie.  It’s in a purple can labeled Nutro-Max and says something about Chicken & Lamb  & Rice.  That’s all I remember – rather that’s all I took the time to imprint on my brain because I have so much else going on in my life.  I found this purple Chicken & Lamb & Rice Nutro-Max Puppy wet food.  PERFECT!  Right under it was a full unopened case, so I slid that one out from underneath and headed up to the Check Stand.  That’s right folks – that’s One Point for Ash!  I’m going to be the hero tonight!

Fast – forward, it’s about 7:00 PM and The Wife has come home from work.  I’m preparing this nice gourmet meal for the HogUrt and as I finish opening the lid on the can, I notice something odd – the food The Big Guy fed the pups was chunky…this one is a ground up, masshed up mess!  So, I start bitching about it and look at the side of the can:

Nutro-Max Chicken & Lamb & Rice – WEIGHT CONTROL

After dropping a few F-Bombs and then fessing up to my honey that I might have grabbed the wrong food, I proceed to get hazed for being the dog owner that feeds his anorexic dog weight control dog food.

Awesome.

Nutro Max - Chicken, Rice & Lamb - For Adult Dogs (What I Really Wanted)

Nutro-Max Chicken, Lamb & Rice - For Puppies (What I thought I wanted)

Nutro-Max Chicken, Rice & Vegetable - For Fatties (What I got - Dangit)